Tonight Mathew I will be…….

First things first, I thought I’d better cancel my leap card automatic top-up. Who the hell can afford that anymore? It’s amazing how quickly you can switch back to unemployment mode. It may have been a year and half but my dole instincts kicked right back in. Appointment with social welfare, Sort out P45, register with Fas, return all recent purchases to Penny’s. As I sat on the bus wallowing, I started going through my job options in my head. Let’s see, I was thinking about becoming a world famous cake decorator at one point when I was going through my ‘Great British Bake-off’ Stage but then I realised that involved a lot of washing up which I wasn’t a fan of plus I had no discernible talent what so ever in baking or cake decorating. At another stage I had thought about making jewellery and setting up my own international jewellery range if only I hadn’t given away my jewellery making kit to the charity shop. At the time I thought perhaps there was a homeless person in need of creativity in their life. God damn my generous soul!

I began to start listing the new skills that I had developed in my recent job. Mainly so I could exaggerate and lie about it on my next CV but also because I thought it might give me a little lift. So what do I now know that I didn’t a year and a half ago? Well I now know that sales men can have a whole host of problems including but not limited to drug and alcohol, OCD, gambling, compulsive lying and serious anger issues but as long as they keep bringing in their commission they can do no wrong.

I know how to get a franking machine with poor internet connection working again through a sophisticated method of turning it on and off several times while jiggling the wires about. But most of all I’ve learnt that you need to leave work at ten to one in order to avoid lunch time queues and/or getting fired . That was a lesson I learnt the hard way. I may need to rephrase these for the CV. Salesmen will become flexible when communicating to all departments, franking machine will be multi-tasker with strong knowledge of technical equipment and lunchtime will become goal orientated.