I need to create an online identity. Prospective employers don’t trust people who haven’t an online presence or so I’m told. Apparently nobody’s told prospective employers about the risks of the computers one day rising up and killing us all. I’ll be sure and mention it in the job interview. Step one is deciding the version of me I want to put across. I didn’t realise I could create a version of me. The real me up to now has been such a disappointment that I’m rather looking forward to meeting the cleaned up virtual version. I wonder if she’ll be taller or will be less exhausted. I’m certain this version doesn’t have to worry about getting her car started in the mornings or whether her brain is still functioning in a somewhat useful capacity.
As it turns out constructing a virtual identity is as stressful as going through the witness protection programme. Only there’s no helpful case worker to fill out the forms for you. No you’re on your own for this one kid. First there’s the stress of your new name do you want everyone to know it’s you or do you want to be like a ghost writer hidden in the wind. As it happens my original choice had already been taken as had all 199 versions of it so instead I shortened my own name! Okay not a great start but I remained confident. After all this isn’t me this is ‘virtual’ me. The she that cannot be conquered. Next came the choosing of the template, a layout and design that best represent what you want your blog to say. I wanted mine to say I live a kooky, quirky passion filled life and am successful in all my personal and professional endeavours. But all those templates cost money so instead I went for a purple one that looked like it wouldn’t be too taxing to manoeuvre around.
By this stage I was quite exhausted. Being an ideal version of yourself is hard and despite my best efforts the naturally lazy version seemed to be seeping in. I know I’ll focus on the content I’ll write something life affirming and upbeat. ‘If I build it they will come’. So I wrote and I wrote, version upon version, paragraph upon paragraph but everything just seemed so………so……. Me. After my tenth version of trying to introduce my ideal self, I decided to save it and comeback later once I’d treated myself to a whole lot of chocolate. However instead of saving to draft, I accidentally published my nonsensical ramblings on the web. I had revealed myself to the world wide web. Don’t look at me internet I’m a MONSTER! I spent the next twenty minutes scrambling around trying to undo what I’d done and delete the ugly virtual version of myself. I finally finished up, with a headache, an identity crisis and a hope that maybe tomorrows version will be computer literate.