Five Stages of Unemployment


I think losing my job is actually a really good thing. Oprah says ‘ you have to open yourself up to possibilities’ and you can’t get more open than jobless. Yes I’m sure the universe is now going to offer me my amazing experiences. I should do up a dream board and make a list of my dream jobs. I may even discover that I’m the most talented person in the world at jewellery making/cake designing/teaching/administrative office skills. I could be the missing link in turning this recession round. God I’m so glad I lost my job. I never would have discovered the person I was suppose to be if I hadn’t.


I hate everyone. Every…single…person.  Everytime somebody asks me what I do for a living I just want to slap them about. I have no go-to answer anymore. There are only so many times you can say ‘Not right now’ before the look of pity you receive makes you boil with rage. I don’t need your pity I just need to you to ask me about something other than the parts of my life that I’m failing at. For example movies, my dogs, world events (at a push, it would really have to be big for me to have read about it), Irish celebrities who annoy me and the weather. I really am a fascinating multi-faceted   person who just happens to not be working ‘right friggin now’. So ask me any other ‘effing’ question.


Dear Mr Interviewer, if you give me this job I promise to turn up every single day on time, no scrap that, early, I’ll be there before the cleaners. Unless you want to hire me as a cleaner in which case I won’t even bother going home. I will never get sick ever again. My entire period of unemployment was me preparing my body for peak physical fitness. I’m talking Krypton factor obstacle course style. Whilst taking a whole heap of illegal probiotics. I will never ask for ‘acceptable working conditions’, nor expect over-time pay. I will accept the sleazy comments as ‘friendly banter’ and I will always, always fake interest in football/rugby/Zumba when required. I promise to be the single greatest employee you have ever hired.


Get up out of bed around one, stay in pyjamas. Combine breakfast, lunch and snack time by having cereal, toast, a sandwich and half a packet of biscuits. Watch terrible daytime television that you hated when you first became unemployed but has now become part of your daily routine. Those loose women sure have some interesting points. Change into tracksuit that’s resembles pyjamas to walk the dogs. Buy crisps on way home. Get back into pyjamas. Watch 8 hours of Netflix before falling asleep with pizza slice on your face. Repeat the next day.


Doing some ludicrous  employment scheme because it reminds you what a capable human being you are. And because your jeans don’t fit anymore and you can’t afford new ones.


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